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Wow, so I haven't posted for nearly a year. I think I just tend to go through phases of needed to blog a lot and phases of not needing to at all. Either way I wanted to start blogging again :)
Since last summer I've lost maybe 7lbs? Not bad, but I want to lose more this summer so after exams I plan to start swimming. In fact, just generally over summer I'm going to take some 'me' time and work on myself.
At the moment I'm feeling a bit low, mainly because I'm feeling quite alienated and alone; one of my more childish friends is literally trying to isolate me from all my other friends and create a bad image for me. I feel like she's always wanted to 'destroy' me or something (excuse the dramatic vocabulary) and now she's taking her chance. In this instance I think the only thing I can do is wait it out and hope that karma comes knocking.
It's not been great recently, I haven't fulfilled my mission to lose 10 pounds and therefore haven't bought any new clothes despite the fact that I need to for the new semester. That's something I forgot to post - I got in to university :) so happy days! But now I'm just worried that I won't make any friends and I'll hate it and all my friends will move on without me while I'm left alone... (Always something to worry about haha). I want to become a new person now I'm starting at a new place completely alone, there's no one there to hold me back because they don't know about my passed or who I used to be. In fact, it will be really nice to be surrounded by people who don't know about my passed self harm issues and I can therefore keep it quiet :).
In addition to this, I want to start swimming again, it used to be a sport I really loved and was highly committed to, not to mention it kept me in great shape. However, I'm worried about the whole getting-into-a-swimsuit-thing and my stamina will have reached an all time low. It's just about taking the first steps I suppose.
Completely messed things up over the weekend, MAJOR BINGE so I really need to compensate this week and stay on track. I shall not exceed 500 cals at all, not even on results day which could tempt a potential commiseratory/celebratory binge, who knows? I'll be honest, I wanted to have lost more by this point but I suppose that just highlights that I need to work harder. I might begin swimming again given that my sister said she would, but I may not even be here next month so is there really any point?
Anyways, the thought of thursday makes me want to hurl. Every night before I go to sleep I end up in a vicious/anxious cycle of thinking about results and dissecting every exam I sat. Need a change in mental attitude I think.

Writer's Block: Do you feel lucky?

Are you superstitious? Do you have any customs or special rituals that you perform for good luck?

I don't believe inanimate objects are lucky. You make your own luck in life.

Aug. 10th, 2011

Haven't posted in a while but I feel slightly indifferent to everything, in a sense. That said, I seem more intent on my own perfection as in just constantly thinking about what I COULD be liked if I knuckled down a bit, yet I'm feeling that lazy that I haven't even called around looking for a job. I think waiting for results has just taken away any drive or motivation I would otherwise have so it's just turned inwards onto myself. I think I'll weigh tomorrow although I don't think I've lost anything, need to get off my fat ass and start doing some sit ups, it's no wonder I still have a balloon belly.
On a bit of a downer, according to the scales I had only lost roughly 2/3 pounds, I expected more. Went out on saturday night drinking so it was basically a binge weekend and now I feel gross, unattractive and like a whale (Y). In all honesty I think a lot of it is to do with the fact that I'm really bored; I have nothing to do with my time so I'm just stuck in the house all the time, plus it's hot and stuffy-the worst kind of weather AND my dad is off work for 3 weeks so I have to endure his judgmental/interrogational/spiteful company.
Results day in just over 2 weeks, it's terrifying because I don't think I've got in Staffs, how could I have done given how poorly my performance in the Biology exams were? I regard it as the day that the fun ends and the dread begins and I begin getting angry with myself for not trying harder.
I'm excited for weigh day tomorrow but anxious at the same time. I know I have lost weight but I'm still worried I may be disappointed, either way I've had a good week and I think the lemon tea has helped. I've most definitely compensated for my indiscretion over the weekend but it's just now I'm running out of suitable foods because my mum won't go food shopping; there's no soup or oatcakes at the moment so I suppose I'll just be living off apples for a while.
Terrible few days, stayed at the cottage for a while and have come back feeling super fat, also my skin is pretty bad so it's not doing much for my ego. On a lighter note, today has been flawless :) completely stuck to my meal plan and I want it to stay that way for the rest of the week, although we might be going out for a meal on wednesday ¬__¬ I hope we don't. Next weigh in will be Saturday morning I hope I'm less than before despite no doubt gaining this weekend. This week, in fact, the next 3 weeks will be more difficult than any of the previous weeks given both my parents are off work and are therefore more aware of my eating habits... I might try drinking lemon tea with a little honey, that's supposed to help, might as well give it a go.
It hasn't been a good week :( Monday I ate a 75 cal cereal bar, chocolate pudding and one of them Gu souffle things which no doubt majorly exceeded my calorie intake, yesterday wasn't much better with some oatcakes a starbucks and a poptart. Today has been fine, but still it's crap. I'm off to the cottage tomorrow so restriction is going to be really difficult so essentially this week is a failure. Next week I shall have to do better. I'll weigh myself again tomorrow morning and see where I'm at, my last weigh in was ok but still a good 7lbs from my goal weight.
One of the worst feelings in the world is feeling disconnected from your best friend. We argued last night and once I thought we were getting somewhere and I had justified myself (she had misinterpreted and therefore made assumptions about a particular thing that led to the argument in the first place) she didn't reply to my message. She hasn't messaged me all day either, I don't understand what I've done wrong or where I stand. We never argue like this and now I feel like she doesn't care and she's not bothered whether or not we sort it out. My sister said it's because we're both changing so it's difficult but does that explain why she is making no effort to sort this out?
I binged as well today, and yesterday and now I feel like shit, maybe I should go to sleep and see how I feel tomorrow.